Have you ever blamed your partner for not preparing the breakfast, doing the laundry or taking out the trash as many times as you did? Or have you had the feeling you are always doing the first step, making more efforts and compromising more?
Countless relationship problems come from perceptions of unfairness. It may be about responsibility, distribution of labor, emotional investment, effort or compromise.
Keeping score is a natural self-protection habit to keep fairness. But why do we feel like we need to protect ourselves from our partner? Shouldn’t we trust the person we have chosen to share our life with and who love us?
If we can let go for a moment, stop focusing on being treated properly and trusting the person we are with; we will change our focus. We will give space to the other one to contribute to the relationship in her or his own way and with her or his own possibilities and strengths. We will start complementing each other and accepting each other weaknesses and recognising each other’s strength.
Everything will get much easier. Score-keeping and resentment will disappear. Positive feelings will grow freely as we will pay more attention to the efforts of the other one, being grateful for it and thanking our partner for it. We will do things that are natural and easy for us and that we know benefit our relationship and make our partner feel good. Here is a funny video with very useful examples.
This change of focus has given a completely new positive energy in our relationship with “F”. We started giving for the joy of giving and because it makes our relationship more smoothly. We trust each other and know that we will give wherever we are capable of. I know that it is easier for me to stop a fight and let go of the ego, so I will do it as many times as it takes to avoid us wasting time and energy. And I know that he will be there for me every time I need mental support to not give up on something I want to achieve. He will be there stronger when I am weaker.
As part of a strong team, we can accomplish much more than any two individuals on their own. And it’s very empowering and reassuring to know that the one we love is covering us where we are weak.
When we stop to expect our partner to perform where she or he is weak because we are covering this part, we can start complementing each other by bringing our own strength, capabilities and talents. Suddenly it’s not “me versus you”; it’s “us.” We start collaborating, cheering each other on, growing together and having a great time achieving our goals together. We start being a TEAM!
“We may have all come in different ships, but we’re in the same boat now.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.